A New Adventure

To post here or not to post? There are two journals I have been keeping and I don't know why I should do another one. Perhaps because this one allows tags and perhaps some of what I share might help someone on their journey.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/duanemonson/journal
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabymonson/journal

The new topic is treatment with Interferon and Riboviron for Hepatitis C. Older topics were giving care while family members were sick and dying, grief support, owning a yarn store, losing our son Todd to cancer at the age of 7 1/2, loosing our son John to a pulmonary embolism, and loosing 3 more children to various causes and preparing a house for sale when you do not want to do it and relying on Jesus for everything!

Stay tuned and let me know that you are there and interested.
God bless you!

Wow how time flies

It occurred to me how I haven't posted in a very long time. It's not that nothing has happened, but perhaps because I felt that no one was reading this anyway. But in case you are reading it and would like to be updated, and of course, to give myself a platform to share our lives and thoughts with, I'll start up again.

You won't be reading anything about Yarn Lady any longer, because that time in our lives is over and like it or not, we have moved on. We miss the many friends we made through YL, but friends are forever, right?

Caitlyn and her parents were here this summer and we had great times together and a very tearful goodbye. There are still signs of her presence around our house which I can't remove until they come back and create new ones. We miss them so.

Dutch has had his share of episodes from having cancer removed from his ear, to just recently having a tooth pulled to having his pulse go way high, to just having water seep from his arm. Although he has gone downhill a lot, he is still with us, and we enjoy and thank God for each day that He gives us.

I have to get used to sharing again... and there is so much to catch up on.

Right now we have to figure out what might sound good for Dutch to have for dinner. He has no appetite but has to eat something nutritious and without salt. He has never been one to experiment with food, and at this time in his life, he's not to keen on starting with different versions of things. Perhaps some finger food? Sweet potato oven baked fries? A salad?

Stay tuned......

Diving off the High Platform

BREATHE!!
That's what I keep telling myself.

We have been so busy these last weeks. First Dutch's cousin Marvin came from Iowa just because, then our favorite son in law came from Kansas to hook us up with a Mac so we can video chat with them (I know..... they make cameras for the PC as well, it was just time for an upgrade and we talked ourselves right into this one), then my favorite sister Birgit came from Seattle. Great times were had with everyone, thankfully not at the same time.

I've already told you about some of this and I've talked about Dutch's "newest adventures" with his heart. This just means more trips to the hospital to keep tabs on him, but not as an inpatient, but like today, for tests and check-ups. It keeps me on my toes and from getting bored. (ha!!)

We are so thankful that Dutch is doing so well although his strength varies from day to day. The doctor told him he needs to walk, so he refuses the wheelchair and insists on walking. Good for him, actually!!! If you remember, he had some trauma to his groin after the last angioplasty and because of it's location, we are still trying to get that to heal completely. We have a wonderful home visiting nurse who comes to help me with his care
. When she was working on him recently, I said: hold still, I want to get a picture!!

As you can see, we got a PICTURE!!!
All in good fun of course and it was great to get a huge laugh out of it when I showed her the picture today.

On the store front, we are down to less than two weeks!! We can't even believe that. There are still so many details to consider and take care of and remember and I am so thankful that Dutch is still here and his mind is clear, so he can have a part in it. We have sold a lot of our cabinets already but still have all of our wonderful Plexiglas units left. The new owners can't use them and it is such a shame because they were custom built with much care and love. I have a sneaking suspicion that they might wind up in our garage. Many of the book shelves are going to a new book store and we are so happy about that. Now we still need to find good homes for the remaining ones. It is so very strange to walk around the store and see how empty it is. It seems like it was just yesterday when we moved in.
On the 30th the walls are coming down and I'm sending out word to anyone who would be willing to help unscrew a lot of screws.









And you wonder what diving off the high platform has to do with all of this? The other day, when I was on overwhelm, I thought this must be what it is like to dive off the high platform and hold your breath too soon and then run out of air before you even hit the water. But God is our refuge and our strength and He supplies me with all the air I need.
Aren't we blessed?

Counting Down, Praising God!

This past weekend we were blessed to have our favorite son-in-law here for a few days. He meant to stay just a couple of days but then talked himself into staying longer because he was able to score some Laker tickets from a friend. Bottom line is, now we have a brand new Apple computer installed to run alongside our ailing PC. There is a learning curve for me as we jump from our "old" programs to several upgrades later and all the changes that were made and I don't know yet. I find that I love to learn and this will be fun for me... in my spare time.

Dutch is feeling great these days. This morning he woke up and said: "I am such a miracle!!!" And so he is. We cherish each day and enjoy it to the hilt. The counting down in my header refers to our business, not Dutch's time here on earth. We are just a few weeks away from closing our store and turning it over to the new owners. We can't even begin to share with you the emotions we feel regarding closing the store, but we rejoice in what God has for us next and especially in how well Dutch is feeling right now.

So at the end of the day what is there left to say but PRAISE THE LORD!!

To gamble or not to gamble?

On Good Friday, Dutch "decided" to add yet another bit of excitement to our lives. After a wonderful breakfast with friends he wanted to go to bed as soon as we got home because he wasn't feeling too well. I thought nothing of it and tucked him in. An hour later, he woke up with: "I still don't feel so well" and my mind went over the instructions from doctors that I could remember. What do I see the nurses do? Take his blood sugar in case that's out of whack, and take his blood pressure. His blood pressure was fine but his pulse was 156. Well THAT didn't sound right and I proceeded to silent prayers and mental checklists and, OK, NOW what do I do?

The nurse who comes to do wound care was just a few minutes away from coming for her biweekly visit, so I met Vicky at the door with: "his pulse is 156". She took it again and came up with basically the same number and told me to call the doctor. Laura from the Doctor's office said to bring him in and the question was, do I take him the 45 minutes to Scripps or the 25 minutes to Mission Hospital? After a check on traffic with the help of our daughter, we decided to head for Scripps. With Vicky helping me get Dutch ready and Niqua on the phone with the traffic report, we got out the door in just a few minutes and hoped there weren't too many cops on the road to San Diego. During the Urgent Care visit, his pulse went down again on its own and didn't require any intervention. PTL!!!

Turns out he was in Arterial Fibrillation which put us on another roller coaster ride, just in case we didn't already have enough fun with his other issues. Since he can't have the standard treatments for this, the idea now is to prevent any further occurrences. So he has to take meds to prevent it and I have to get him to a hospital quickly in case he does have another episode.

So the question is: Scripps or Mission?
Today he is trying to make plans to visit the kids in Kansas City sometime or go on some other trip. Now how do you do that when the question on the table is Scripps or Mission? 25 minutes or 45 minutes away from a hospital? Or to put it another way: Stress out or trust God?
Stay tuned........

The irony is that he looks and sounds and feels better than he has.....

Happy Easter!!

It's Easter! A time when we can look to an empty cross and a risen Saviour and know that our debt is paid and the seperation between God and man has been bridged and all we need to do is to accept this free gift!

We are excited to be celebrating that and to look back on a week or more of recovery for Dutch and a time of feeling much better and regaining some of his strength. He just went to bed for his nap and as usual we completed for each other the wish to "sleep tight, dream something beautiful, Praise the Lord!" and he said: why don't you write about that?

He reached his goal to make it to our anniversary! Praise the Lord! We had a lovely day and went out for dinner that evening. No nothing fancy at all- we didn't even get dresssed up. It was all about the mile stone and having a Blooming Onion!!! Truth be told, we ordered garlic mashed potatoes as one of the side dishes and couldn't eat it because it was soooooooo salty!! Being on a salt reduced diet sure makes everything taste salty! But we had a good time and will carry that memory with us.

Then we had a wonderful surprise: Dutch's cousin Marvin came for a visit from Forest City, Iowa. Marvin sometimes delivers Winnebago motorhomes to dealers and found himself in California and swung down for this visit. We had a wonderful time together. What a gift of love to make time in his life to spend with us!

Today I have an announcement to make. It seems that we have found a buyer for our store! The paperwork isn't signed yet, so I'm ever cautiously saying it seems..... but hopefully it's all true and Yarn Lady will go on to new heights and continue to be a place where everyone knows your name. It is bitter sweet for us of course. An era has come to an end and God is prying yet another finger loose from the things I grasp tightly. I will share with our friends on the Yarn Lady Buzz blog now so you can go there to read more.

Close to our mile stone

Dutch has had one immediate goal: to make it to our 42nd anniversary. He's almost there. Our anniversary is tomorrow. His next mile stone is to make it until Caitlyn comes out for a visit.

Last week we weren't so sure that he would make his goals. This week looks better.

Last week brought us to the hospital at 2 in the morning because he was bleeding internally. He had already been struggling and there were signs that he might be bleeding. On Friday I called the doctor's office and the nurse told me to bring him in. Well it didn't seem THAT urgent to me, so I gave him a shower, took one myself, made sure everything was taken care of around the house and then we set off down the road. Dutch wanted me to stop and buy him some nachos and he was happily munching on them as we hit about the halfway point to the hospital. Looking at him, I couldn't think what I would tell the folks in Urgent Care why I was bringing him in. So we turned around and went back home. I hadn't slept more than an hour or two at a time for the last two days, so I thought if we could get a few more hours of sleep at home that would be a good thing.

Although we went to bed, there was no sleep and by midnight Dutch was sitting on the toilet hugging a bucket and this time there was no doubt that I needed to take him to the hospital. We were soon admitted to ICU and I spent what was left of that night "sleeping" on a chair, as I did the following two nights. It's always a bit of a challenge to get permission to stay with him. I'm met with raised eyebrows and: "You know, the rules are..." when I inform them that I stay with him 24/7. Usually it doesn't take long though until the nurses see that I can be of help and try to stay out of their way. After 3 days in ICU Dutch was transferred to a regular floor for another two days. One day on one floor, another day on another.

Our first day in ICU brought all the preparations for a Colonoscope. If you've ever had one, you know that he was supposed to drink a huge bottle of foul tasting water. After the first two glasses of it, Dutch dug in his heels and refused to drink any more! To make his point perfectly clear, he began vomiting. Doctors came up with another plan (wish I had know that when I had to drink that jug). The nurses even came up with a "poop bag" for him to wear where the poop could be suctioned off because he was too weak to make it to the potty. Great idea!! He could sleep through what would have been countless runs to the toilet. When they had to remove that bag, he wasn't so sure that it had been a good idea! I told him: Look, now you know what women go through to get a wax job!

An Endoscope and Colonoscope done on Sunday morning showed no active bleeding but did show 4 spots in his colon that could have been bleeding. Countless blood tests over the next 5 days showed him loosing blood but it was never determined for sure where it came from. He was given 5 (FIVE!!) units of blood!

I'm making light of this but of course it was anything but funny. What did happen was very precious to us. Again we got to spend every minute of every day and every night together. All the things that normally fill our minds were gone and all we had was each other. To pass the time and to take his mind off things we again told each other stories from our lives that perhaps we had never shared with each other. Or just memories that we had. Or things we are thinking about. Or things from the Bible. We had our first real Bible study together. Just a little nugget to think about. The other day we wondered if we had a wish, what would it be, and discovered that as we love Jesus with all of our hearts, minds and souls, our wishes are fulfilled.

In ICU we had a wonderful room, facing the ocean overlooking Torrey Pines Golf Course in La Jolla. In the distance we watched parasailers float in the air. It reminded us of when Todd watched birds flying in a storm and declared that they were not fighting to stay afloat but just sailing along with the wind. From there we were transferred to a dingy room. But it was a single room that we were given after much pleading from me. Please give us a private room, but don't charge us extra for it...... and they got me a cot to sleep on. Such luxury!!!! Then we heard rumors of being transferred and the cot went with me to make sure I had it that night as well.

I have been able to keep my mind on the Lord and we both know that the prayers of many are holding us up. Everything is under control. My little notebook is always out and I write down everything that happens. I have spreadsheets and medication lists and medical records and reports of blood tests. We have accepted what is happening and hope to be an inspiration to others. And then a nurse and a doctor didn't give me an update when I wanted it, and I LOST it. What a lesson that was! It showed me that I wasn't placing my trust where it belonged, but I was fine as long as I was "in control".

Today we went to the harbor again and Dutch felt well enough to walk behind his wheelchair for a little while before getting in it and having me wheel him around. Great exercises for me!. After a stop for groceries, he was exhausted and now is sleeping again. Today is the first time he is walking unassisted. he has been wobbly on his feet and even had PT at the hospital to help him walk better.

When we were at the hospital, one of our Pastors and his wife made the long trek to see us. It's always hard to know if we want company or not, but when we get company it is always so much appreciated and enjoyed. Last night we spent several hours with the neighbors again. Dutch was wiped out afterwards, but with a smile on his face. Bob and Gretchen came to see us at the hospital and we spent a lovely time together in our dungeon of a room. But it goes to show that the surroundings don't matter as much as the company.

Dutch and I talk about things that were and that might be- the other day he thought it would be a good idea for us to go through pictures and look for ones that could be shown at his memorial service. We already have our cemetery plots side by side. "Will you be on the left or right?" He pays little attention to things that would have normally captivated him. Truly the things on earth are becoming strangely dim.... I mentioned something that I might be doing after he is gone and it surprised him to think that I would be going on without him. Somehow he thought I wouldn't be far behind.... This morning I had to give in to my tears. It's all too weird and I can't wrap my mind around not having him with me. On the way out of the hospital he asked the guy who was wheeling him, if the hospital had a morgue and was satisfied when he heard they did.....

So now he's really wiped out and I need to be ready for what he might need when he wakes up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. He would like a blooming onion! And perhaps just a zip of wine to celebrate.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide andlong and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this lovethat surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measureof all the fullness of God. -- Ephesians 3:17-19 http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=Ephesians+3:17-19

Don't Forget Me

Yesterday Dutch told the neighbors that he feels that the doctors have given up on him. He worries when he doesn't have much of an appetite because he remembers that his father stopped eating before he died.

When we were caring for our mother, my siblings and I often joked that her wish to die could not be fulfilled while she still felt the need to control her surroundings. She had to have certain foods, certain cups for her coffee and a certain little glass for the two drops of red wine she drank each day. As time passed, the "things of earth grew strangely dim" and the part of her horizon that we could see diminished as her inward gaze expanded to new vistas.

Dutch is going through this same transition. The things in his world are growing strangely dim as he looks more and more at the glory and grace of his Lord Jesus. Countless times a day he tells me how much he loves me and how much he loves Jesus and how blessed he is. Things that would normally get him all involved don't mean much anymore.

Last night he went to bed early totally exhausted after a long day. I had a few more things to tend to before I could join him after midnight. When I came to bed he was awake and told me that he just now was able to get warm under the covers. He declined my offer of more blankets. A little after one he was sitting on the side of the bed and told me that he thought he should take his clothes off because he was so warm. (no, no temp) "Why don't you leave them on and we can just not cover you up so much" ... OK. Around two he decided that he should have some of the little cookies we brought home from the German store earlier that day. "That wouldn't be so good, should we have something else instead?" I said? So he decided on an orange, a banana and I added some walnuts and some of his medication. When I came back upstairs with his plate, he was sitting in his chair, singing a song. How wonderful to find your husband singing in the middle of the night EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!

So now it's 8 PM and we haven't had dinner yet. He is sleeping so you know he won't be ready for bed at the "usual" time......

Today was a beautiful, warm day. Yesterday the doctor told us to have him sit in the sun to help his groin heal. So I made him a bed outside and we sat and talked a little while his wound was sunbathing. I was wishing that I had a camcorder so I could commit these precious moments to permanent memory.....

I'm hearing: I love you!! from the other room. He's awake. Time to have dinner.

How blessed am I

Psalm 121 (New International Version)
Psalm 121
A song of ascents. 1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Memories from 34 years ago

Thirty Four Years ago, our son Todd went to be with the Lord. I just remembered a peom I wrote sometime before he left when I was so keenly aware of how short and limited our time on earth together would be. Here it is again as Dutch and I cherish our days together.


There is a song that goes:
"If Jesus comes tomorrow, we’ve got just one more day!"
A week ago they said Todd had two weeks left. But whether Jesus comes, or we go, we’ve all got just one more day because we have no guarantee for even a minute.
How different would we live ("Take up your cross and follow me"), love, and forgive, if we kept in mind that if Jesus comes tomorrow, then we’ve got just one more day!
There are so many yet to be told of our Lord’s love and gift of salvation, so many to be helped, led to the well that never will run dry- people contacted, smiles given, priorities felt, lessons learned and shared.
But if Jesus comes tomorrow,
we’ve got just one more day. Jesus said, "Would that you were cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth" (Rev. 3:15-16)
Did we do all we could, or are there things left to be done?
Because: If Jesus comes tomorrow, then we’ve got just one more day!
How many times would we tell our kids, husbands, wives, or parents, "I love you- I’m thankful God gave you to me," if we knew we had just one more day?
Our stomachs are full and we plan progressive dinners while charitable organizations need food to give to the starving.
If Jesus comes tomorrow…..
We forget that Jesus died for us. We forget that God stood by and did nothing while Jesus paid for our sins. We forget there are so many people who don’t know about the gift of life.
If Jesus comes tomorrow!
We busy ourselves with life and drown out our feelings and the voice that said:
"Behold! I stand at the door and knock."
Yet, if Jesus comes tomorrow, then we’ve got just one more day!

What a difference a day makes!

Blood being transfused

My suitcase was packed, my records were up to date and Saturday dawned and Dutch would not even eat enough so he could take his meds.

His stools were pitch black (sorry to be so graphic), which told me he was bleeding internally. I called the doctor and was told to bring him in.

Hours in urgent care, tests and doctors are almost a blurr now but we did wind up in the hospital. This time I asked for a single room (wait 'til we get THAT bill...) so I had the hope of getting any rest.

Before he wouldn't eat and now he couldn't eat because they put him NPO in preparation for the Endoscopy they planned for Sunday morning to check for a source of the bleeding. Dutch was quite down, both mentally and physically. Although one of the nurses was able to snag a cot for me to sleep on, there was no sleep between constant checks and tests and one eye and ear listening for his every move.

When the Endoscopy showed no sign of bleeding anywhere that probe went, doctors scratched their heads, wondering what to do. Frequent blood tests monitored the extend of the bleeding and I saw the many doctors on his case in the proverbial huddle, trying to decide what to do. Scripps is a teaching hospital, so there are interns and residents and attending docs. Then there are the on-call docs for the specialists- both heart and gastro... the list goes on. I was told that they could have him swallow a camera which would take pictures all the way down his intestinal tract or they could somehow "mark" his blood cells and then take an x-ray to show where they went astray.

Monday morning at 4 AM the nurse announced that he would be getting a blood transfusion and was given a dose of Benadril to ward off who knows what. Can't remember it all. What it did do was make him even more lethargic and sleepy and unsteady on his feet. Trips to the bathroom were labored, wobbly affairs and even turning around in bed was a difficult chore. With this picture before us, it was difficult to imagine going home anytime soon. A few hours later after some more blood tests, the "team" decided that the blood loss was not extensive enough to warrant going through more tests and that indeed, he was GOING HOME!!

One of the doctors took me aside and asked repeatedly if I thought I could handle taking care of Dutch and if I had help and was there a closer hospital I could take him to in the event of an emergency. He was very sweet and caring and I could tell that he thought that things were not looking good. A day before we had a similar conversation with the attending doctor. We discussed our prayer for wisdom to know when to pursue treatment and to know when to call it a day. She said that we should treat that the same way we treat every day life: with trusting God for guidance, hope in eternity and the confidence that God will give us strength for each day.

Appointments were made for follow-up care and lab slips given so his blood could be checked again. We already had had a follow-up appointment with our main cardiologist that afternoon and it turned out that Dutch was discharged from the floor just minutes before his appointment. This doctor's office is just down one flight of stairs. Putting Dutch in a wheelchair got us there easily enough. Dr. H listen to the whole story, looked at me and said: "And they discharged him????? His heart is fine, but come in a week so we can check on him again and do blood tests." I had been told to see our local doctor but getting this appointment made that unnecessary and easier. All of their reports are computerised and accessible to all doctors within the hospital so it's easier to keep track of it all. We still love it when we go there and the doctors say they know all about us because they just read the chart on the computer and we don't have to bring them up to speed each time.

So now we're home. When we arrived, dinner was already sitting sitting at our front door. Aren't friends just the best? A couple of days have gone by and even on the first day home, Dutch felt so very much better! His strength, spirit and outlook have changed for the better drastically! Once the Benadryl wore off, the effect of having new blood flowing through his veins is so obvious. Today we marvelled again at how thankful we are to the person who donated this blood! We can't say enough about that!! Because of our liver problems, we have never been able to donate, but if you can, how wonderful of you to do that!

Last night we talked a little about seeing friends in church and other places. Dutch said how difficult it was for him to be talking with them. "What do I say when they ask me: 'How are you Dutch?' " All of his life he always answered that question with: GOOD, GOOD! GOOD!! But now he feels that this answer is dis-honest. He doesn't want to go over his whole story to everyone who asks, so he decided that it's better he doesn't see anyone. When we left the hospital, he commented that he felt like "dead man walking" and appreciated the fact that I understood that. We so often talk about dieing (sp??) but it is usually in the sweet by and by. Looking at it like it may happen even today gives it another face. "Should we call Forest Lawn so we can pick out a casket?" He asked me? "Will they come clear down here to get me or do 'we' have to get a local mortuary?" I assured him that it would be no problem to take care of all that so we dropped the subject.

The day after we came home, one of our Pastors came to visit and Dutch loved talking to him, being encouraged and being assured that he didn't have to worry about me because everyone at church would be there for me when I needed them. Dave also read Scripture which placed our focus right back where it should be: Jesus! We wondered what heaven must be like and how transient our short life here is. Then our neighbor came for a quick visit. "No, I don't want coffee, I'll just stay a couple of minutes" I sat by and watched as they talked, chuckled and laughed, told stories and reminisced. I kept watching Dutch for signs of fatigue but over 2 hours later, they were still going strong. Sid gave Dutch something to think about besides his troubles and it was good! At the hospital there was one lab technician who had that same gift. Dutch has been pocked so many times, had one IV in each arm and just no veins left from which to draw blood. This guy began telling jokes and soon had us both trying to solve his riddles. I watches his mouth move and his voice smile as he intently looked over Dutch's arms and miraculously found one more place that would yield some blood. He was good! He kept Dutch busy with jokes so he didn't hardly notice being stuck once again. What a gift competence is!

The last couple of nights, Dutch was able to climb the stairs to our bedroom again and we no longer needed to sleep downstairs. Today we went for a walk in the harbor again. Life is good! How blessed we are!

Stent # 4

So I'm wondering why I write this blog and if I should write all the things down that we go through. From past experiences, I know that it helps to write things down because that is like having someone to talk to. But this publicly? As you know from this blog, I wrote a book about our son Todd's battle with cancer. What I didn't write about, was our son John's battle with weight and how Dutch was at his side when he died, and many other things. My brother and I and others chronicled the time we spent with our mother when she prepared for her departure.

Then there is always that hope that our experiences might inspire someone else to something and especially to faith. Our faith is in Jesus.

We are now about a year and a half past the time that Dutch was diagnosed with end stage liver disease and who knows how long he has had it before it was diagnosed. As the doctors tell me, they really don't know how long we have. It could be a prolonged process or complications could set in and it could end today. We all live that way but most of us don't know it. We are blessed to be very conscious that our days are numbered and thus count each day as a blessing and hope to live it in a way that is pleasing to God. Of course we certainly fall way short of that, but the desire is there.

Along the way, besides all of the liver issues, we have found that Dutch had heart issues as well and those are being addressed as good as possible. For the most part, the baby has fallen into the well and it's kind of late to cover the well- if you know what I mean. The doctors and I agree that we concentrate on nagging him about issues that effect his immediate well being and back off on the ones that won't make a difference now, although they would have in the past.

So here begins the point of this post: Dutch was scheduleded for a follow-up angiogram to check on the condition of the 3 stents that were placed a few months ago. Because of his liver condition, uncoated stents were used. Coated ones are too dangerous because they require more blood thinners. His liver condition makes him bleed and adding blood thinners just makes that worse. His last follow-up showed that some of the stents were beginning to clog again and balloons were used to open them up. This procedure found that the old stents were working fine but a new blockage was found and another stent placed. Enter the blood thinners.....

A beaming doctor told me how well things went and how happy he was with the performance of the previous stents. When Dutch was transferred into his bed in ICU, the nurses found that the entry point into the artery was bleeding again and applied immediate pressure. I was asked to leave and when I returned they had placed some device on his groin to apply this pressure. Because of being overweight, it was more difficult to get "down" to the point of bleeding. The pressure that this device applies can be adjusted and they cranked it up a long ways. The wound was checked in short intervals to look for bleeding and pressure was adjusted as they thought necessary. This picture looks like it is showing something else, but isn't. It shows the wound through the "eye" of the device. At first Dutch said it didn't hurt (it HAD to- given the amount of pressure) but then suddenly he was in SEVERE pain! Having to lay for hours without moving his leg and having all that pressure applied took it's toll. He was so agitated that the meds could not take hold. I held on to his leg to keep him from moving it, held his hand so he could squeeze it, two nurses did what they could and it was intense! He screamed and begged for us to take the device off and even the threat of bleeding out sounded better to him than the pain he was in. He complained especially of pain on the right side of his back which posed the question of bleeding into his back. Bloodtest looking for extensive blood loss fortunately turned out negative.

I always stay with him around the clock when he is in the hospital and this was a great example as to why. If I had gone home all of this would have transpired in my absence. The doctor came and eventually they were able to reduce some pressure and the meds took hold and things quieted down. I was quite upset with the doctor and told him that I really didn't want Dutch to have any more blood thinners if this was the consequence. I told him that I didn't care if this new stent did fail. A heart attack would be certain, was the answer. So who's to know the better of two "evils"?

During a lull in the "action" I texted and asked for immediate prayer. I knew that I needed someone besides myself to be holding us up right then. Norma wrote back immediately with scripture verses that helped me focus and calmed me down. I prayed for faith and love and peace and hope-- not just for today but for eternity. We trust in an eternity with God and look for the things on earth to grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

Morning came and the device came off and Dutch sat up in a chair and went for a walk around the halls and amidst assurances that the bleeding had stopped we were sent home.

We're both resting a lot and enjoying the fact that we are retired without a schedule. Issues about trying to sell the business flare up into heated discussions and die down again, temporarily put aside in the hope and trust that it will all work out. Dutch worries about how I will be taken care of if something happens to him and I get sick.....

So now it's time to re-stock the overnight bags for the hospital, make sure all the records are up to date, make follow-up doctor's appointments,

figure out how I can hold pressure on a wound and call 911 and unlock the doors all at once, should the need arise, and trust God!

Savouring Today

Dutch has been feeling pretty good these last few days while I am under the weather a bit with what we think might be food poisoning. A good excuse to linger longer in bed. Being "retired" we tend to sleep late. Dutch often has trouble getting to sleep and not having to rush out of bed in the morning is great. I keep reading glasses and a good book on the night stand while I wait for him to wake up. He likes it when I am still in bed when he opens his eyes. Then we can talk and share and just enjoy the fact that we still have each other.

This morning he held my hand as we lay there and looking at that I thought that is IS a time that I want to remember. Talking about things of the past and looking forward to a time yet to be for us. Both with the confidence that the God who brought us this far will continue to guide and lead us and the the best is yet to come! How blessed we are!

Happy New Year

Well, I haven't been posting much because it's not always easy coming up with something clever to say!!!

Dutch is getting very tired of me always having a camera in his face, but what can I say- I like pictures!

We so wanted to be able to go to the kids for Christmas. For many reasons they couldn't come here and Dutch and I were excited to see them again. Time went on and we kept postponing making the reservations. I wanted a direct flight because I felt that a change of planes and the hurrying from one gate to another would be too much for Dutch. These flights are expensive on short notice! Especially when you have airmiles and could get a flight for next to nothing. But with a ticket from airmiles came the change of planes. So we did nothing. Then Dutch had the bright idea that we could fly into Denver relatively cheap and then rent a car and drive from there! NOT!! Since he can have lots of things go wrong with him at any time, I was not prepared to be that far between hospitals. Besides, it was WINTER!! I like driving, but not in the snow! So I thought, perhaps we can drive the wayyy southern route. I like to drive, Dutch can sleep and we would be ok. Hospitals seemed a little closer on that route (yeah right), but really not close enough. Finally Dutch decided that even if we made the trip alright, when we got to Kansas City it was going to be COLD!! Because of his liver disease, he is always cold, so that didn't work for him!! So sadly, we made the descision to stay home. We missed the kids a lot, but knew it was the right descision. If you've watched any weather reports, you will agree with us.

Here at home we spent Christmas Eve at Church, worshipping the Reason for the Season and then had a lovely dinner with our neighbors. It wasn't planned and all I could think of serving for dinner were tacos!! I guess there's a first for everything..... :-)))Thanks, Sid and Onnlee for making it a special evening!

On Christmas Day we were invited to our friends, Jack and Barbara and their daughter Susanne from Church. The food was great and Dutch talked about it over and over. (I loved it as well!) Thank YOU, Welty's, for including us in your festivities!

We still love to go down to the harbor to go for a walk. Dutch walked almost a half a mile the other day! With stops, of course. He was trying to prove something, I guess. But he did alright!

For the last couple of days he has had a rip-roaring cold! No temperature and we have had flu shots, but a nasty cough. I almost took him to the Urgent Care this morning, and I may still do that. For now he is covered in Vicks and sleeping all day and most of the night. Last night I heard a big crash upstairs and after a lightening- speed dash upstairs I found that he had tripped over the rocking chair and crashed into the window frame. But all is well and he wasn't hurt.

Note to self: remove anything he could trip over..... and thank God for protecting us yet again.

Merry Christmas from Dutch and Gaby

Love Personified

We have been given many gifts this past year. God has graciously granted us another year with each other and although we have had many experiences with doctors and hospitals, Dutch is still with us. The economy is very bad for us as it might be for some of you. Our dreams of passing our store on to someone else don’t seem to be coming true and we must close the curtain on what was and is a great experience. The kids are happy in their new surroundings and although they, too have experienced some bumps in the road, we are all rejoicing because we know that we are in the Hands of God. When the storms rage in our lives, God seems to reach down and say: “Peace! Be still!”

As I sit here writing this letter, a storm is raging outside of our walls. The rain is pouring down and the wind is howling.
I thank God for the protection of the walls around me, knowing that many at this time do not have such protection.
I thank God for warmth, knowing that many are cold at this very moment.
I thank God for food, knowing that we have abused it and that so many multitudes are hungry.
I thank God for family and friends, knowing that many souls are lonely and without support.
But mostly, I thank God for Jesus, who truly is love personified. When God created everything, He also created us in the image of Himself. He didn’t create us as slaves, but with a free will so that we might choose to love Him. We all have fallen short of that goal and this sin now separates us from His love. But God didn’t stop there. To show His love to us again, He came to redeem us and bridge the gap between Himself and us. For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16) He took the punishment we deserve on Himself because the debt is more than anyone could pay.
And we have the choice to accept this, the greatest Christmas Gift……. or not.
May the Prince of Peace reign in your heart this Christmas!
With much love,
Duane and Gaby Monson
http://sayhitojesusforme.blogspot.com/

Luke:1- 46And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord
47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 48for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, 49for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name. 50His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation.

Walking that fine line

We had just pulled out of the parking lot of the hospital when Dutch announced that he had pain in his chest. I asked if he wanted me to turn around and of course he said no. I kept asking him how he was feeling and after a while he said the pain had gone away. We decided that it must have been from pulling himself up on the seat of our SUV. So having the nurses discharge instructions still in my ear, that he should not do anything strenuous, I now worried about him walking up the stairs to our bedroom that night. I had been planning to put one of the beds from upstairs into our little downstairs office, so when he can't walk the stairs, he would have a place to sleep. Dutch has been strongly opposed to that because he wants to be in his own bed.

In our 41 years of marriage we have followed God's admonition that the husband leads and the wife follows. Some people think this to be degrading, but it's not. We are partners. The buck stops with the husband, that's all. When we got home from the hospital, I put out an urgent call for help getting the bed downstairs. That did not go over well with Dutch! Help came it seems within minutes and the bed was downstairs! (Thanks, Mike for doing it, thanks Henry and the others for offering). Dutch was NOT happy and our evening did not end well. But the bed is downstairs and ready for his use whenever he might need it.

After my own little pity party I again realized how difficult it is for Dutch to be loosing more and more control over his body and his environment. He shared with me again today how he can't understand why all of this is happening to him when he is so young. (Only 73 years old!!!) He is just so tired of always having me hover over him and at the same time he's so thankful that I do. There are so many conflicting emotions.

Today I worried that he was getting congested. Pneumonia could kill him. A cold could turn into that. YIKES!! At the hospital they were wondering if he had had his flu shot of course, (yes) and if he had had a pneumocokia (sp???) shot against pneumonia. I had no idea. He thinks that he did have one three years ago at a grocery store. After several calls to different places, I still could not verify that this was true. The nurses told me that he should have the shot, but not if he had it within the last 5 years. So we were in between: he should really have it to protect him and he should not have it because it could be dangerous for him given his situation. God please give us wisdom!!! Bottom line is he didn't get it. Probably good, given his sniffles today.

Called the doctor's office and told them about his congestion. They wanted a chest x-ray. Just got the word that it was negative..... as I hear him coughing upstairs.

Never a dull moment, but through it all we know that God is watching over us. Isn't that just the greatest???

Another Angiogram

About three months ago, Dutch had 3 stents placed in the arteries of his heart. Last Monday he had to go back and have another Angiogram to check on the status of the stents. Because of his liver disease he is prone to bleeding. Because of this the cardiologists can't follow the normal protocol of blood thinners to keep scarring of the stents at bay.

We didn't approach this procedure with much apprehension because he had been through it before and knew what to expect. What happened last time was that they used a drill bit to clear out plaque to open the artery because he can't have open heart surgery. After the procedure, I was ushered down a long hallway into a small waiting room and told to wait here for the doctor. Well I sat in the regular waiting room and I saw plenty of doctors come out and talk to families and give them whatever news there was to give, right there in front of everyone. Here I was, being ushered into this secluded private little room and I thought: oh no! this can't be good!!! I waited there for what seemed to be forever and went through all of the emotional ups and downs, trying to prepare myself for the bad news I knew was coming. All of a sudden the doctor bounced in, all smiles and gave me GOOD news. I was so prepared for bad news that the good news almost seemed harder to take.

So on Monday, again I was ushered into this little waiting room. This time though, I was not going to assume the worst! Another family joined me to wait for their report. The doctor bounced in and reported on Dutch and then I stepped outside to give the other family some privacy. When they came to get me so I could go up to the room with Dutch I was just outside the door and missed them!! All these little details add to the emotional stress that is already going on and kind of gets your head spinning.

The doctor reported that they had, indeed, found scarring on the stents and had to use balloons to open the arteries again. Dutch later reported that this was painful and felt to him like he was having a heart attack. He knows that we have to do this again in three months and told me this morning that he was now a bit scared to have it done. No fun!! The doctors chose

not to repair the third artery which still has blockage because to do so would require blood thinners, which at this time would not be good for him to have.

When I caught up with Dutch in the ICU this is what I found. They had placed a towel over his eyes to shield him from the bright lights. He was on nitroglycerin for the pain in his chest. They told me that this would give him a headache. Turns out it also made his blood pressure go extremely low. The nurses came running and they called the doc on duty, but it all got better when they lowered the nitro, gave him a shot for pain and gave him some potassium. Just a little more excitement.

I always stay with Dutch 24/7 when he is in the hospital. I love doing it and there is no amount of nursing care that can respond to all his requests for more blankets, urinals and whatever else. Besides, he was HUNGRY!! Of course a chair, even a semi-recliner is no place to spend the night, so the next day found me pretty cross eyed!

Long story short, he was discharged around 2 the next day and we both looked forward to getting home into our own beds!

Self Image

Have you ever tried to take a picture of yourself? Here is the one I took of us while we were out for a little walk. My arms just aren't long enough and my chin is never in the right place. And if I try to smile..... well you can just forget it! I was called back to have my driver's licence picture retaken one day. I asked why it had to be retaken and was told that my eyes were closed. I lined up and assumed the pose and they said: "SMILE!!" I told them right away that they had a choice: I could smile or I could open my eyes. I can't do both!

It's a good thing we have a good self image. You do have to live up to certain standards so they don't call you a bum, but I have to admit that all the trappings of fashion don't do much for me. I know that Jesus loves me and that's good enough for me.

Friends

Every day is a blessing. If you get to spend it with a friend, how much greater the blessing?! Sid lives across the street and he and his wife often come to "chew the fat". Sid even made a wooden bench for Dutch to sit on while they chat.

As we approach the gift giving season and we all worry about how much money we don't have to spend on gifts, it occur ed to me that our most precious gift is that of our time and of ourselves. What is more important in our day?

At church I am surrounded by friends who show their love in so many ways and who take time out of their busy schedules to pray for us! What a huge gift!