Hope

"You have to have hope!"

No matter what the doctors say and no matter what the internet says when you look up the disease the doctor says you have. You have to have hope.

Every so often Dutch asks me if he is doing better, hoping that I will say yes and that his disease is going away. To find encouraging words in light of a dim outlook.... I remember when our son Todd faced the same thing. After his surgeries to remove cancer from his body, we would tell him: "Now see? You will get a little bit better each day!" When we knew he was dying, we told him: " Now you will get all the way better. You are going home with Jesus!"

The other day our Pastor talked on something to do with labor pains. It occurred to me some time last week, that dying is like birth pangs as well. For some it goes quickly, for some it is drawn out, for some the time is precious, for others, painful. But in every case of the believer, what is at the end of the labor is a new life.

Psalm 62:5Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.Psalm 62:4-6 (in Context) Psalm 62 (Whole Chapter)

Isaiah 40:31but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.Isaiah 40:30-31 (in Context) Isaiah 40 (Whole Chapter)

Romans 5:3-5

3Not only so, but we[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 12:12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.Romans 12:11-13 (in Context) Romans 12 (Whole Chapter)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.Romans 15:12-14 (in Context) Romans 15 (Whole Chapter)

Dutch 092708

When we were first married, Dutch went crazy and along with a buddy he bought a boat. That's a whole other story. But ever since, we do have a love for boats and the being on the water.

So today we love to go down to the harbor to watch the boats go by and watch the fishermen. Dutch gets cold easily, so we just sat in the car with our picnic lunch and watched people. It was hot inland, so we were shrouded in fog and we could even hear the steady ...hmmmmm.. how do describe a fog horn......

Dutch felt well enough to go for a little walk! You can see how he enjoyed that. Another great day to be thankful for!

Dutch in Hospital

I wanted to share some pictures I took of Dutch in the hospital. The first night I "slept" next to his bed on a chair where the back reclined a bit. The room mate in the other bed asked to be moved to another room. Not because we didn't get along- we DID! They were very nice people, but they, too were more comfortable with some privacy. So Dutch and I had the room to ourselves. My mind was in a whirlwind and I never could shut it down, so it really didn't matter where I was. I did think of going home for the night but was glad that I stayed when Dutch had an "accident" and I could be there to help the nurse with the cleanup.

The next day nurses kept telling me that I needed to take care of myself and at one point, one of them wheeled a cot to our door for me to use that night, if we didn't get a room mate. That evening news arrived that we were being transfered to a private room. YEAH!! Bring in the cot! I'm going to get some sleep!

Dutch 091108

Hi everyone,

Thank you EVER so much for your offer to help in any way. It is so very much appreciated.

As it is, I really don't know what to ask for. Today we really needed to rest. Dutch got a lot of it, I am too wired and couldn't sleep. Hopefully tonight. Both of us and Dutch especially, are on a diabetic and salt free diet (not that we totally adhere to it) so I don't know what meals would be easy to fix. I am experimenting in my old age and trying to cook from scratch to eliminate added salt and sugars. Who knew they were in EVERYTHING!! It's kind of fun and Dutch has been much more willing to suffer through my experiments. As we speak, I am trying my hand at some tomato soup made from scratch. I'm telling you, I don't cook!! :-)))

We have a lady who is supposed to be very interested in buying our business, so we will have to gather our thoughts and prayers to move that along as much as it depends on us. There is much to do, but I just can't think what you could help me with. Having said that, you ALREADY helped beyond measure! Your prayers have meant more to us than you can possibly imagine. God has been so very faithful and present and I know your prayers have contributed to that. Yesterday I thought I would be coming home alone from the hospital and God was gracious and gave us more time. I'll talk more about that perhaps in the coming days. I have a very strong sense that this is our Gilgad and that we will be taking many stones away from here.

Need to check on my soup.

Dutch 091208

We just got home from the hospital. THANK YOU ALL for your prayers!

Dutch is VERY tired, as am I (sleeping on a pull-out chair in his room last night- or shall we say: resting- not sleeping)
I'm trying to keep it quiet so he can sleep. I made him sleep downstairs on a couch-bed I fixed up for him for that purpose, so he doesn't have to walk the stairs.

Dutch had 3 stents put in and the doctor was VERY excited/ proud of how well that went. Dutch will have to follow up with another angiogram because there is a danger of scarring because they had to use the stent without the medication attached. He has been placed on blood thinners, which causes quite a threat in him, because he already bleeds easily. It's walking that fine line between all the considerable dangers. We were told again that he could not survive surgery.

Now he also has a hole in his heart between the upper chambers (I think- I'm pretty tired and am not looking at my notes)
The hole is 7mm big. They consider that a small hole. But because it allows blood to mingle which can contribute to fluid build-up (in his condition NOT a good thing) they think it worth fixing. As it turns out, the doc that did the angioplasty is THE expert on fixing holes. In fact, Dutch will be a guinny pig (without lipstick) of sorts, because they have 400 doctors at Scripps next week and Dutch's procedure will be on a live feed to their gathering at a hotel nearby. There will also be an international panel of experts who are looking on and in instant communication with Dutch's doc. So, they say, it will be like having that panel consult at the same time.
We have gone over the risk factors/ vs. benefits and it sounds necessary/ acceptable. Yesterday they went in through an artery and for that they go in through a vein, so it is really less dangerous.

We again ask please for prayer for guidance and wisdom. We do not yet know the time but it sounds like Friday of next week. Dutch will again have to spend the night.

There is more to tell, I'm sure, but this should do for now. Because of the additional meds he has to take now, he is at increased risk for bleeding, so we ask for protection from that.

Thanks you again for all of your love and prayers. We'll keep you posted.

Dutch 091208

.................Backing off I think is a lesson that we all must learn. Of course, I think it's covered under : Be Still.. When you are involved in someone's care, it's easy to have that take over your life and pretty soon we think that WE are so important to their lives, that we even (unintentionally) push God out of the way....

.....Dutch and I both have a doctor appointment with our "regular" doctor on Thursday of next week. She wants me to have a liver biopsy which I have been putting off. I've also again had chest pain (which we will keep between us) and I have a sore spot on my breast. I know it's time for a Mammogram. So between all that and the sale (or not) of the business, not to speak of Dutch's issues, I keep thinking: what else, Lord?? Could you bring them one at a time?? And how can I take on Bible Study besides? I can still remember hearing Beth's voice when she said something to the effect of God thinking He would just take care of EVERYTHING all at once.

Dutch 091208

So today is Friday and trash pick-up day..... I decided I was way too tired last night to worry about getting the trash cans out (one regular trash, one compost and one re-cycle). This morning after sleeping in late and helping Dutch with his shower, I remembered that I needed to get the trash out.
Low and behold, there were our three trash cans neatly lined up at the curb. Now I look out and they are all put away again.

How is THAT for neighbors??? Are we blessed or what??

Dutch 091808

Tuesday morning around 2 AM Dutch woke me up with concerns that he was bleeding. Long story short, an hour or so later, we found ourselves on the road to the hospital. We had the choice of going to the local one about 15-20 minutes away or Scripps which is about 45 minutes away. We chose Scripps because that is where most of his doctors are and where they know all about him. The care there is terrific. Dutch did not feel well and suggested I pack some plastic bags.

On the way the bag came in handy as he vomited a good part of the way. Having Onstar in the car gave me the confidence to press on. I figured I could always call on them to send help to meet us.

At the hospital the doctor said I have read his entire chart, I know all bout him........... so we both felt that we had made the right decision. They almost immediately scheduled him for an endoscope (sp), found the bleed in his upper intestine and cauterized it. Because of the recent placement of stents, he underwent a battery of tests, although un-invasive to be sure that the heart was still functioning properly.

It's a long story and I don't have to tell it all. Obviously not much sleep, but this last night they gave us a private room and put a cot in it for me to sleep on. Still didn't get much but getting even some helped ever so much!

Now we're home and both very tired. Tomorrow will be a new, wonderful day and we look forward to it. Thanks to all of you who have helped and especially to Wendy for gathering stuff that we needed and Pastor Dave for delivering it to us. I have learned that I will keep a bag with my meds and clothing for both of us at the ready so we can leave at a moments notice.

Because Dutch now has to take bloodthinners after the stents were placed, it is probably expected that this will happen again.

Thank you for your prayers! God is so good. You have to see the darkness to appreciate the light.

One thing I would like to share:
The first night when I was sitting in a chair trying to turn the racing thoughts off in my mind and get comfortable enough to sleep I remember a song I learned as a child:
Weil ich Jesu Schaeflein bin, freu ich mich nun immerhin,...(forgot) ... guten Hirten, der mich wohl weiss zu bewirten.......
I am Jesus' little lamb, ever glad at heart I am, for my shepherd gently guides me, knows my name and well provides me , loves me every day the same, even calls me by my name....

and I thought if He provides well for me, what do I have to worry about?

We send our love to all of you and we'll keep you posted.

Dutch 092308

Just a friendly hello and big hug from us here.
Just wanted to share with you what I find interesting. Went to our regular doc yesterday (the one who has been treating us for many years). Dutch needed to be seen (and she is closer to home) to check on his blood levels. So we were catching her up on what's been happening and told her that the other docs don't think that Dutch can survive any surgery. We added that it's because of his liver. She said, no, not because the liver can't handle it, but his BRAIN. So there. put that in your AHA file for later consumption.

She was totally impressed with the care Dutch has received at Scripps. She (being from Ireland) said: Only in America! I hope they don't mess with the healthcare system too much!

She thought that Dutch needed some time to recoup and that I didn't need to press him for walks as long as he moves around. We have gone for short walks, but after about 100 feet he is out of breath. Last night he slept with his breathing machine on for the first time all night, so hopefully that will help him. Otherwise he often stops breathing and that is not good.
His hemoglobin is at 10, should be around 13 or higher. Which means his heart is working harder to pump more blood. Hope I understood that correctly. So we'll be off to the chiropractor soon so he can do something for his hurting shoulder.

I was so glad that I went to see him last Monday, because my chest had been hurting and of course, I was thinking heart. Anyway after seeing the Chiro, my pains went away, so as I said, I was glad that it was not the heart but my bones and that it went away before we had to go to the hospital on Tuesday. Go figure!!

Sending all our love while we're waiting for the haze to burn off so we can enjoy the sunshine.

Dutch 092508

It's 85 degrees outside. Dutch feels cold as usual and loves to wear his big jacket and cuddle in a blanket. When he went to bed (very early) tonight, he said: it's been a good day!